applesauceOnce, on a date, I had a guy tell me it was best not to “show all your crazy at once.” At the time, I laughed and we went on to talk about other things. I am about to tell you why this piece of advice holds much more meaning for me in light of recent events..and by “events,” I mean dates with men who decided to bring on the crazy.

I was still a little bruised up from the last guy (remember our stray dog conversation?)..mostly because it hurts to be the girl left for the other girl. Let me start off by saying that I am a champion facebook message writer. The first of these epic tongue-lashings was given to She Who Must Not Be Named (my term for the girl who cheated on her own fiance..who was in the Navy and deployed at the time..with my fiance and let’s be honest, probably at least a dozen other guys over the years). I won’t tell you exactly what was said, but it was the classiest ass-kicking I have ever done. My sister read the message and sat back stunned. “Wow,” she said. “I wasn’t even the one this was meant for and I feel like a piece of crap.” I found out later, to my immense satisfaction, that it made her cry. Well good. It was about time some of those tears I was shedding were transferred to someone else. It was probably easy for her to imagine I was some horrible person…someone who treated him badly..I was probably unattractive and not good enough for him. It is easy (for people like that) to rationalize their actions. She never met me. I was just a name to her. Well, I don’t think I was just a name to her anymore after that.

The second tongue-lashing was given to the know..the stray? A message on Facebook was my only resort as I had deleted his number from my phone. I know I know..I should have just let things go..he didn’t even deserve another second of my time or emotion. I will say though, that it felt healthy to get all that anger and hurt out of me and into words. Clearly, writing is a release for me and I had been too easy on this guy when he made his final split. He needed to know that the way he had treated me was not ok. I felt better after sending it and was ready to move on to someone better. (*Update: About a month later I got a text from Grant telling me how sorry he was for everything, that he was thinking about me and hoped I was doing well. I never responded.)

Anyway, on to the story.Now back when I first joined the dating site, I had exchanged a few texts with a guy. Let’s call him Brent. Now, I could tell right away, this guy was definitely quirky. He responded to my texts with oddly connected phrases and random thoughts. He went MIA for weeks and then popped back up with a text while I was at the gym one evening. I had deleted his number out of my phone and I had given my number to someone the day before, so when I saw an unfamiliar number, I figured it was the new guy. “Hey.” The text said. “Hi is this Chris?” I asked. “No, but Chris is a lucky guy.” There is always the chance, when you are dating/meeting multiple men, that you will do this. The awkward, “I just called you another guy’s name” moment. It is fairly embarassing I must say.

Apparently it didn’t bother Brent, because he and I agreed to go out later that week. He didn’t text me again until the afternoon of our date. “What should I wear?” He asked. “Jeans and hoodie? Slacks and a button down? Leather, with a whip and ball-chain?”

I’m sorry….WTF? (just to clarify, if you are unfamiliar with this, this is for you.. WTF stands for What The F*%^?)

To begin with, I have never had a guy ask me what to wear on a first date. I had also never had a guy suggest an outfit better suited for Fifty Shades of Grey than a first date. I guess I didn’t respond fast enough, because he sent back, “Jeans and a hoodie it is!” Though I had some reservations, I decided to keep our date and met up with him at a local Irish restaurant. To my surprise (and relief) he was a pretty normal-looking guy. He had a nice face, even if his beard was a little scruffy, and while it took some time for him to warm up to the conversation (I was surprised at how shy he seemed after getting that weird text) we ended up having a really nice time. We had similar hobbies and taste in music. He walked me to my car, seemed like he wanted to kiss me, but instead gave me an awkward hug and that was that. We exchanged sporatic texts over the next week or so and he would throw me off every once in a while with one of those “crazy” texts. With Valentines Day rapidly approaching, and me with no date to speak of, I agreed to go see a movie with him that night. I made last minute plans that Wednesday to have dinner the next night (Valentines Day) with another guy..we will discuss HIM later..but after dinner, met Brent for the movie. While my dinner date was awesome..the movie date did NOT go well. He barely said two words to me the entire time and we sat stiffly next to each other in the theatre. I knew I wasn’t feeling where things were going and so, when he walked me to my car and gave me the “I want to kiss you” look, I bobbed and weaved..executing an uncomfortable hug and a quick “Thanks! Have a good night.” I got into my car and he stood there with a look on his face that clearly said, “I just spent $20 on movie tickets and this chick just gave me the 2 pat hug.” I felt badly, but it also felt wrong for me to kiss him when I knew I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. He was an extreme introvert and something just felt off about him. He texted me the entire next day and then the CRAZY finally came to a head that night when I got a text at 10:30. I am fairly uncomfortable repeating this, but I promised you the good, bad and the awkward.. so here goes..

Brent: I really want to eat applesauce out of your butthole, but since we agreed to take things slow, maybe we could start off our third date by holding hands.


Quirky doesn’t even begin to cover was just plain CRAZY. Needless to say, I did NOT respond. The next morning he texted saying “Oh Jesus. I’m so sorry. I’m deleting your number from my phone.” I haven’t heard from him since. I also haven’t been able to eat applesauce since. And I really liked applesauce…..


One thought on “WTF?

  1. Pingback: Since You’ve Been Gone… | singleintherivercity

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