When you enter the dating world, you are suddenly faced with the realization that there are some really really different people out there. And not “different” in the cute, quirky kind of way, but rather..different in the way that makes you want to run for the hills as fast as your (truely fantastic red patent leather Nine West) pumps can carry you.
I can handle someone having little quirks, little things that make them who they are. I knew a guy who couldn’t handle a messy car. He told me once, that he could take one look at the inside of a girl’s car and decide whether he could date her or not. I even dated a guy whose body temperature was regulated by his feet. If his feet were hot, he would start sweating like a sinner in church. I knew another who had to have the volume on his stereo set at an even number. While a little OCD, these quirks are totally manageable and even laughable. The problem comes, when these little character traits become either too numerous or too weird to laugh off. I think it kind of goes back to that whole idea of not showing your crazy all at once.
It was the night of Superbowl and I was hanging out at my good friend Ryan’s house. A group of us gorged ourselves on chili, beer and a plethora of other choices I knew I would spend the next three days at the gym trying to work off. Some things (like my sister’s famous buffalo chicken dip) are totally worth a little extra elliptical time 🙂
Anyway, I had been texting back and forth with a potential new guy named…hmm..how about Michael? He looked like your typical blond-haired blue-eyed all-American man. He even reminded me a little of my 6th grade crush, Brad Anderson..SWOON..Brad Anderson ended up breaking my poor little heart by dating every girl in the 6th grade except for me. He even dated my sister for a whole week. They went to the movies together and his mom sat three rows back..watching them the entire time. How romantic. He ended up breaking up with me a few days later. That’s right..I said he broke up with ME. You see, my sister and I are twins, so Brad unknowingly broke up with the wrong girl. Here’s how it went down:
Brad (on the sidewalk, yelling up at the school bus where I knelt on the seat with my head out the window): “Uh..I..uhh..don’t think we should be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore.”
Brad: “You mean, you’re not..like..sad?”
I popped my head back inside the bus and it began to pull away from school. Brad stood there staring after the bus with that confused dog look..You know..the little head tilt to the side your dog does sometimes? My sister sat down next to me on the seat as the bus rumbled out of the parking lot.
Joanna: “What did Brad want?”
Me: “Oh nothing..well..he just broke up with you..I mean me..but really you.”
Joanna: “Oh..huh. Well he was dumb anyway. Wanna ride bikes when we get home?”
And that was that…….sometimes sisters make break-ups just that easy.
Back to Michael. He wore a football jersey in his profile picture and had adorable dimples. Confession: I am a sucker for a good dimple. He described his love for Penn State football, small helpless animals and helping people get healthy. On paper, he sounded like a winner. He was 29, owned his own personal training business and we had quite a few hobbies in common. I gave him my number and we texted throughout the entire second half of the game. When I asked him who he was watching the game with and when he responded “no one,” I had a itty bitty warning light flash on in the back of my head. “Aw, how come?” I asked..aka..why don’t you have any friends to hang out with on Superbowl Sunday? “Well, I’m new to the area and work keeps me really busy, so I haven’t met a lot of quality people yet.” I had to give him some credit, that seemed like a reasonable answer. Warning light off. “How long have you been in Richmond?” I asked him.
“About 5 years.” He texted back.
Make that 20 warning lights. The really really bright red ones.
Hm. Seems to me, if you live in an area for 5 years, you should be able to meet enough people to have at least one or two friends…right? This was worrysome, but when he asked if he could call me later, I said sure why not. Little did I know, that phone call would become the strangest/most bizarre phone call I have ever experienced. It started off harmless enough. I asked him how his day was. He told me it was long and a little rough because he had to handle some family issues. I said that I was sorry about his day and asked if everything was alright now..BIIIIIGGGGG MISTAKE!
For the next 45 minutes he proceeded to tell me the following: (note that I did not at any point get a chance to speak..at all..like..ever.)
1. His entire family drama history – starting with the divorce of his parents..moving on to talking about his fire-breathing witch of a step-mom who kicked him out of the house..something about a slight misunderstanding with a loan..how his grandmother was going insane and his mother was depressed and he didn’t talk to his dad anymore..
2. His job..all the issues with clients..how he makes no money (awesome…girls love to hear that you are broke at almost 30 and have no future plans to change that status..guess I’ll be taking care of dinner tonight..and tomorrow..)
3. His other career as a WWF amature wrestler. Yes, he wears a mask and has a spandex costume. Yes, he has a wrestling name. Yes, he has big plans to go pro. (I began to imagine our first date involving him picking me up over his head and throwing me against the ropes of a wrestling ring while a crowed roared. Maybe I could get a cool outfit out of it..a cape would be pretty awesome..maybe with some glitter.)
When he busted out this little tidbit I already had my finger on the END CALL button. I did manage to get a few sentences out when he asked where I went to school and how long my parents had been together. I told him that I graduated from Longwood University in 2007. I also told him that my parents had been together for 31 years. What happened next is still confusing to me.
He proceeded to rattle off numbers and words over and over with barely a breath between …2007.. 2007 graduated that means you went to school in 2003..how old were you? 18 18 2007 2003 Longwood University..that means you were 22 when you graduated..27 now..22..27..2012..parents married 31..31..27..they must have been 28..29..had you..27..31 years…
I sat on the other end of the phone in shock. What the hell was wrong with this guy?! What was he doing with all these numbers? Who did he think he was..Good Will Hunting? And why couldn’t he add correctly? It was too much..way too much and I stopped him, saying that I was tired and needed to get up early for school the next day. I hung up with him, utterly exhausted. This is what I mean about “different.” And by “different” I mean really REALLY CRAZY.
After not responding to a few of his text messages the next day, he sent one that said, “Did I scare you off that quickly?”
My response: “YES.”
Joanna’s Famous Buffalo Chicken Dip Recipe
2 10oz. cans of chunk chicken breast (I usually go with Swanson)
2 8oz. packages of cream cheese (she likes Philidelphia Cream Cheese)
1 cup Ranch dressing (We are Hidden Valley girls but any will do!)
1 cup buffalo sauce (My sis says Franks Buffalo Sauce is the ONLY WAY TO GO..I’d trust her on this)
1 cup cheddar cheese (but you could certainly do a monterey jack or a mix)
Then the easy part. Mix it all together and either throw it in the microwave til it’s hot, throw it in the crock pot or put it in the oven at 350 for about 20 minutes until it is hot and bubbly. This makes plenty for a big gathering like a football party. Serve with tortilla chips, crackers or veggies. ENJOY!