Over the past few months, while reading through the multitude of online dating profiles, I have had moments where I have: laughed out loud, physically recoiled, and made the confused-dog-sideways-head-tilt at my computer screen. I am increasingly surprised and baffled by the
A. usernames people come up with.
B. things they choose to put in their profiles.
C. pictures they choose to post as a representation of who they are.
It really makes me want to take some of these men by the shoulders, shake them violently and ask them “what the hell are you thinking?” I have decided to put together a little cheat-sheet of red-flags for all of my ladies out there who are also on this journey.
USERNAMES: While everyone is into different things/different kinds of people, I find it’s a good idea to stay away from men with usernames like these…
1. BigBadDaddyMatt – I refuse to call you that..ever..or give you credit for the fact that it rhymes
2. (insertsomewordorcity)ASAURUS – you would be shocked at how many men think that they are part dinosaur.
3. hhhmmm – still thinking of a good name huh? a fun fact: women aren’t really big fans of indecisiveness.
4. PrettyMuchAwsome – while I doubt that, I do think you would be more “awsome” if you knew how to spell.
5. ThunderChunky – hmm..that’s strange. I thought your profile said you were “fit and athletic.”
6. DustKittens – really..only one of those things is cute..and while I’m sure some of you may be offended by this, I’m also suspicious of men who only own cats.
7. anything that includes the words “death”..”kill”..”murder”..”satan” ..pretty sure you get the picture and the reason for concern.
8. Reddy2Chill – ugh..reddi 4 u 2 grow the hell up n stop talking lyke a thug.
9. 1SeekingMarriage – anyone else thinking this comes across as slightly desperate? How about we try a date first before the whole “for as long as we both shall live” part?
10. DarkLoneySoul – yikes..sounds like you need a hug..and maybe some sunshine.
I’m going to skip over the crazy profiles for now..coming back to that for a big finish at the end..
1. Bathroom mirror pictures – First of all, these are for teenage girls..Secondly, if you aren’t the kind of person who is out doing fun things where someone could potentially take a picture of you, I’m not sure we would be a good match.
2. Rippling abs/shirtless pictures – Great..I’m glad you love your torso..You also have me convinced you are about as deep as a baby pool.
3. Guy surrounded by extremely hot/potentially stripper girls – This makes me think you are a man-slut..and yes…I just said man-slut.
4. Guy kneeling over dead animal wearing camo and holding a gun – yikes..umm..good job? Will you be hanging these antlers on your wall later?
5. Guy with multiple pictures of him and his cat(s) – aka. sleeping in bed together, wrapped around his neck like a scarf, dressed up in matching tacky christmas sweaters..and yes I have seen all of these. I’m telling you, it’s just creepy.
And now….the moment you’ve been waiting for…the most insulting profile I have ever come across. Here for your enjoyment. 🙂
Psychotic and possessive control freak seeks emotionally damaged girl looking to replace her father. Must be able to take mental abuse and continual mind games.
Looking for relationship involving sex, working on cars, and drinking. Overlapping will occur more often than not. May express affection, but don’t count on it. Must be ok with flat emotional affect and lack of compliments. Don’t expect me to like your friends or ever want to be around them. Hell, don’t expect me to want to go out at all unless it’s a museum or serves booze. Or a museum about booze.
I’m a big advocate of the saying “Yes, Madam, I am drunk, but in the morning I shall be sober and you will still be ugly.”
What I’m doing with my life:
I am semi-well-paid with a very flexible job schedule that will drive you insane. Incapable of doing anything half-ass, I go overboard on all of my hobbies and never amount to anything with them, eventually getting frustrated and leaving them for a new fad. Currently on a small business venture with thousands of dollars tied up in something that won’t make a profit for a long time and even if it does will be too low volume to ever begin to consider it as a primary means of income, all of which I will deny vehemently.
I’m really good at:
Coasting through life on intelligence, narcissism and a decent work ethic. I treat my car like he’s a real person, and although I’m aware that you’re somehow more important than him, I expect you to question my sanity in regards to the car on a daily basis.
Generally I’ll take you on two amazing dates during which I’ll spin an amazing image of fantastic things we can do together all the while deconstructing you mentally as a person and once I’ve finished I’ll grow bored and will likely ignore you for extended periods of time while I focus on school or work, but I will feel bad about it. I have a White Knight complex where I constantly try to rescue damsels in distress. Will constantly compare you to ex-gf’s (but not directly to your face, this is for internal purposes only). Will likely be disappointed that you are not the hot girl I work with, but cannot work up the balls to break my own “don’t fish off the company pier” policy.
I will diagnose/fix the shit out of your car and will then immediately expect you to treat me as a god.
I give amazing massages and will hold this over your head to make you give me massages while promising reciprocation, although in reality this will be seldom-realized and begrudging.
The first things people usually notice about me:
I’m very loud and polar; I am generally enjoyed for a few months until I invariably piss someone in your social circle off so badly that I never hear from any of you again.
You should message me if:
You’re younger than me, good looking, slim/slender. Seriously, I have an irrational fear of hambeasts and if you have so much as a “cute belly” or slightly enlarged love-handles, I will either go into a massive diatribe on “genetic” obesity or vomit. Probably on you, considering your girth.
Wow…What a catch right? I wonder if he really thought some girl would suddenly stand up and cry “That’s it! There he is! The man of my dreams!” Yea…I’m thinking that’s not likely. And so, the final question I’d like to ask all these guys..”How’s that whole ‘dating thing’ workin’ out for you?” That good huh?