You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me…

douchebagOnce, at a bar, I was minding my own business when a guy sidled up to me and leaned arrogantly against the smooth, dark wood of the bartop. “Hi.” he said. “Hey.” I said back. “So, are your parents retarded?” he asked. (fairly certain one of his eyebrows was raised at this point in our soon to be epic conversation)

“I’m sorry what!?” I stopped..drink half way to my lips..

“Yea, cause you seem like a really ‘special’ girl.”

I swear I could almost see the quotation marks appear in the air around the word “SPECIAL”. Rolling my eyes at the bartender, I turned to the poor soul who had just used the worst pick-up line I had ever heard. “Oh, lord. You have GOT to be kidding me. That was it? That was your line?”

The eyebrow drooped from its high perch on his forehead. Clearly I had deflated him. He mumbled some excuse about “meeting up with his friend….over there..have a good…” and hightailed it out of there. Apparently the bartender took pity on me..I didn’t have a tab at the end of that night. Score.

Over the years I, like most girls, have been subjected to a pleathora of one-liners..some more creative and original than others. Sometimes you put up with these awkward/embarassing/awful first impressions because the guy is cute or because you haven’t had a date in weeks or because that last rum and diet sent you over the line to “Aww What the Hell World.” I have found that as an online dater (for lack of a better term) it can be SUPER weird trying to message someone for the first time. You want to catch someone’s attention, but also not come on too strong. I have tried to master this, sometimes with more success than others and have found that this recipe is not too shabby.

It should include:
1. A greeting! Hi, hey, good morning, hi there, or even.. hey there.. (I know, I know..gettin a little crazy here!)
2. Some little comment about something they said in their profile. Example: Oh my gosh! I love going to Buddy’s for brunch too. You’re dog is adorable by the way, is she a Husky? (hahaha I’m being super cheesy but you get it right?)
3. Something that shows you are funny, have a personality. Nobody likes a message that goes “Hi, I liked your profile. Message me if you want. Have a great day. Bye.” Example: At the risk of sounding super awkward, then again I am messaging you on a dating site so let the awkwardness begin, I just wanted to say ______________.
4. Write enough so that they know you actually read their profile, but not so much that you write the next great American novel and subsequently scare off any potential date.

Follow these little rules and you should be able to avoid men reading your message and immediately making the face I seem to make on a daily basis. To further entertain you, I have created a list of some of the best/worst pick up lines and first messages I have gotten on this online dating adventure.

1. WOWZERS!! Whoest are ye and how do I go about obtaining your internet attention? Also, a random question; what is your most favorite sandwich? Also, also…. I promise I did not message you just because of awesome lips… haha. 😛

(haha who are you..a Shakespearean Inspector Gadget? And my most favorite sandwich? hmm. GO GO GADGET CHICKEN PARM!)

2. Well besides having a gorgeous smile, what else do you like to do?

(Well, that having a gorgeous smile thing takes up quite a few hours of my busy schedule. I don’t really have much time to do anything fact..I’m kind of exhausted already….Considering your profile name is SHOTOFWHISKEY34, I think I can go out on a limb here and say I might have an idea what you like to do! Perhaps you were even doing it when you wrote me that STELLAR message.)

3. Hi I’m Drew. I like what you wrote.

(Oh yea? Care to elaborate on that? I once wrote a short story in the 9th grade. It won a prize. Did you mean that?)

4. Hey woman.


5. Hawwwwwwwwwwwwwt!

(bahahahaha oh lord. I don’t even know how to respond. oh..but you did spell hot wrong. fyi.)

6. You look tall.

(Your powers of observation are astounding! Yes yes a thousand times yes! Of course I will go out on a date with you! or not..)

7. If you were on the menu at McDonald’s you’d be a McGorgeous

(no..please no..tell me you didn’t just compare me to something on a fast food menu. fail. EPIC EPIC FAIL my friend.)

8. How do you feel about well-endowed men with huge muscles?
(hmm..I’m for ’em! but really..did you need to go there on the first message?
Side Note: after responding to his message with “is this a trick question? My name is Julia by the way, how’s your day going muscle man?” he responded with this little nugget: “I’m Todd. Some women don’t like big men, but once I’m inside you, you will never be the same again.” Seriously? I think I just threw up in my mouth..needless to say, I didn’t respond to that..I have this little rule about dating CAVEMEN.)

So not all of them are bad..Some are really so sweet that I feel awful not responding to them. I learned my lesson the hard way on this one in the beginning when I used to respond to the sweet messages even though I wasn’t interested in the guy. I ended up getting some guys asking me some uncomfortable questions like, why don’t you want to go out with me? Why don’t you think we will be a good match? or sometimes I feel like they try to guilt you into going out with them. Example: One guy messaged me multiple times asking what he had done/said wrong because it seemed like girls never gave him a chance..blah blah blah..I felt for him. I really did, but that was super overwhelming and uncomfortable. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by pointing out his “flaws” or whatever it was that had turned me off. So long story short. I get these kinds of emails and do that really girly look/noise at my computer screen and then click next!

Not as bad/kinda sweet:
You’re a straight shooter; you play guitar *in a band*, no less; you cook; you’re vivacious, chatty, and fearless—after looking at your profile, I think I’d be crazy not to get in touch, come what may.

My name is Marvin, I’m a graduate student in English and I’d like to get to know you better, if you’d extend me the privilege. Like, how long have you been teaching English? What’s your favorite (and least favorite) part of the gig? (Mine has to be grading.) What’s your go to dance song? (I really love to dance, too.)

Ah! But it turns out you won’t date anyone without a car, so you would definitely not date someone without a car sixty miles away. Still, on the off chance you are at all intrigued and ever find yourself out this way, I’d love to buy you a drink.

At the very least, I wanted to say, with as much good grace as possible, wowza! Not only do you look fantastic in monochrome, and probably pretty much everything, but you seem in possession of the kind of personality that breaks just as many hearts, I’m sure, as those formidable looks.

(aww Marvin..that was awfully sweet of you. You aren’t really my type though and I’m just wondering what’s up with this whole “wowza!” thing and why you don’t have a car. Have to give you bonus points for you using the word vivacious in a sentence. It’s a great word. Good luck Marvin!)

Hello and Good morning :0),
I am Bryan. You sound like a very fun and interesting person. It seems that everything you do requires adjectives beside them to explain how that is so.
Exuberance at its finest haha.
Well, have a beautiful day!

(this guy clearly followed the rules! Short, sweet, funny and he showed that he actually read my profile. Score. Too bad he was 5’7″ and the majority of his pictures were self portrait shots. eh…I keep trying but I can not seem to do the whole “date a guy shorter than you” thing. It gives me a damn complex haha.

Onward friends…have no fear. I have plenty of awful dates to share with you shortly. 😉 We have a lot to catch up on!


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