Green Beer and a Unicorn….

unicornI swear..the level of ridiculousness that occurs on some of my dates is so incredibly high that I couldn’t possibly make these situations up. I often have people ask me, “Did that really happen? Did he really do/say that?” They look at me, a mixture of shock/horror/humor and often the slow head shake is accompanied with this look. I understand their disbelief, I seem to have the unnatural ability to attract dates that are so far from normal, they aren’t even in the same damn solar system.

Exhibit A:

Day: Saturday, March 17th – St. Patricks Day – Also the day I got engaged the previous year.. A day I was prepared to wallow in green beer and rowdy Irish people. It was a decent plan.

Guy: AJ – 30 year old ex-professional surfer who lived in Wilmington, North Carolina. Now working as some kind of distributor for crops/foods from farms. Err..I think..Some time after my 3rd green beer..around the time he started impersonating how he talks to the farmers on the phone (i.e. a super obnoxious country accent).. I started to zone out and didn’t really catch the specifics.

The Situation: I spent the day at Shamrock the Block, the Irish festival here in Richmond. In previous years, my band actually played this festival but this year we were taking a little breather so it was my first time as a non-preformer. It was awful. I spent the good part of the day with my pregnant (non-green beer drinking) sister and while she is awesome, I spent the entire time worrying about her getting crushed by the masses of drunk people in various shades of green. It was incredibly overwhelming and we ended up leaving after 30 minutes. I went back later to try and meet up with some friends who were down there, but because of the huge number of people, the cell service was jammed. So there I was, standing in the horde of people, trying to call everyone I knew (with no luck), getting shoved and pushed by girls with “Kiss me I’m Irish” or “Irish Girls Like to Get Lucky” on their shirts, and I could feel my anxiety growing steadily by the second. How was it that this time last year, I had been in a gorgeous bed and breakfast at the beach with the “love of my life” and now I was a single girl..standing in a mass of people..way too sober?..it really hit me in that moment how very much my life had changed. So it happened. I had a damn panic attack right there in the middle of the crowd next to the blaring speakers of the stage. I had to get out..get away..get home to my happy little house..and so I pushed through the people with what felt like blinders on until I finally reached the safety of my car. There I took deep breaths and when my phone made the little “ding! you have a text message” sound I grabbed onto it like a lifeline. It was a guy names AJ. We had been talking for the past week or so on and off..he seemed like a pretty cool guy and super funny. Plus, who doesn’t like cute surfer boys? If you said “not me” to your computer screen, I think you are bonkers. 😉

So AJ texted me and asked if I wanted to grab a drink that night. I wasn’t really super pumped about going back out, but he was only in town for the weekend and would be heading back to Wilmington the next day..so if we were going to meet up, this would be the time to do it. I reluctantly agreed to meet him at a restaurant/bar called Starlite later on that night at around 9:30. To say that the night was a disaster was putting it mildly. Here’s a rundown.

When we met up, I was kinda bummed about the whole day in general and my head really wasn’t in a good place to be my normal happy, bubbly self. Let me preface this by saying that he initally asked if I could pick him up. As in give him a ride to the bar. When I asked him why he couldn’t drive, his response was that he had been driving around all day and was just tired of driving. Um..really? I told him no..and that he might be an axe murderer..so that was a negative on the ride. haha..later on, I walked into the bar, scanning the dark room for him and when I thought I spotted him I walked over. He was busy talking to a couple sitting on some bar stools so I touched the back of his arm lightly to let him know I was there. He turned and looked at me, said “hi” and went back to talking to the guy (who had a seriously epic mustache by the way). I had to stand there awkwardly for at least 10 minutes while he finished up his conversation. “Do you know those people?” I asked when he finally turned back to me. “Nope,” he replied. “I just like talking to people.”

Yeah, me too…you know..except when I’m supposed to be meeting up with someone and they are standing there waiting for me…hmm..about that.

So anyway, we grabbed a drink..he talked to more people around him and finally started in talking about how tall I was (ok..I’m 5’9 1/2″..I’m tall, sure..but I’m not a damn Amazon woman. And again…is this really a surprise to guys? I told you on my profile that I was tall. It’s really no big secret, but thank you for pointing it out Captain Obvious!) Then he went on and on about how he got injured while surfing and his sponsors dropped him and so now he talks to farmers all day on the phone..(insert obnoxious impersonations here). I swear, this guy talked to me about cabbages for at least 15 minutes. Needless to say, I was not thrilled and I was pretty much ready to go home. He kept buying me drinks though and at one point, bought himself a shot, and so I tried to shake off my lame mood. It didn’t work. At one point in the night, he asked me why a totally cool and beautiful girl like myself was single. To my extreme embarassment, tears started streaming down my cheeks. He put his arm around me and even tried to do the whole romantic brushing tear off girls cheek move. I was a damn mess. “I’m so sorry,” I told him. “I’m just having a rough day.” He was actually super nice about it all and if anything, I think he started liking me even more. My suspicions were confirmed when later, after being kicked out of the now closing bar during last call, he asked if I could give him a ride home. Otherwise he would call his mom and ask her to pick him up..that’s right..his mom. ARG. He said his parents house was only just down the street and so, to avoid waking up his poor mom, I told him I could drive him home. When we pulled up outside the house, he asked if I wanted to come in.

“My mom can make you a sandwich if you want!”
“Uhh..no thanks..I’m good.” I told him.
“Well then, can I kiss you?” He asked.

(this question always throws me for a loop. I know it is the gentlemanly thing to do, but mostly I just want a man to be a man. Don’t ask me for permission..just do the damn thing..and do it well please.

“Uhh..I guess..if you want to.” I replied uncomfortably. I didn’t want him to kiss me, but there didn’t seem to be any other way around it. And so he did…not well, I might add.

Later on that night, I got a text from AJ.

“Hey..tonight was fun..you are such an awesome girl. I compare kissing you to seeing a unicorn for the first time.”

I’m sorry…what? Does that mean it was magical? oh jeeze…goodbye surfer boy.

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