Kissing Frogs

frog-prince
You all have heard the age old quote about having to kiss a lot of frogs before finding your prince. Well, it has been a while since I have regaled you with some of my dates that definitely croaked big time, so I figured I would brighten up your Tuesday with a few. It is amazing to me, that I continue to have these kinds of stories to share with you. At some point you start to wonder, "Are there really that many strange/awkward/socially handicapped people out there?" Oh yes, my friend…oh…yes.

Oh where do I start…perhaps with this little gem 😉

_Doctor Claw_

I first started talking to a guy named Adam in the early spring. He seemed like a sweetheart, had just moved here from Ohio and was looking to meet some new people. I agreed to go get coffee with him one beautiful Saturday morning. He suggested we bring our dogs and enjoy the weather out on the patio of a local coffee shop. It was a perfect day for it. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and my dog Lily was happy to be out and about. I walked down the street in my breezy dress, feeling a lightness I hadn't felt in quite some time. The springtime does that to me. Makes me want to twirl around on some Swiss mountainside like freakin Julie Andrews. I love Julie Andrews….sigh….Julie Andrews

oh..right..sorry..Lily stopped to sniff patches of grass and say hello to strangers. I have to say, she is kind of a guy magnet. I don’t know what it is, but whenever I walk her, I am approached by random men wanting to pet her. I even had a group of guys across the street from me shout “Falcor!” at us as we walked by. If any of you are unfamiliar…this is what they were referencing.

lfalcor

this is what she actually looks like

IMG_0114

kodaandlily

lily

I suppose I can see a resemblance.

Sorry…my ADD is showing…so anyway. Lily and I arrived at the coffee shop and there was Adam and Brinkley. Brinkley was some sort of white girly “Designer Dog” like a maltipoo or a yorkiepoo or cockapoo or whateverpoo..It astounds me that people actually pay thousands of dollars for these dogs when they are essentially, mutts. I have two of those myself and I paid a $50 adoption fee for one of them at the local rescue organization. The one I was currently taking on my date was $0 as my friends found her abandoned in a local park. You know I love a good deal. I’m convinced those two were the best bargain I ever made. 🙂

I know, I know….focus Julia!! Sorry friends..It’s the Tuesday before Thanksgiving break and my brain is already on holiday-mode.

Adam and his girly dog were awfully cute, so I was feeling rather hopeful about the potential outcome of this date. We sat down at a table outside and let the dogs get acquainted while we did the same. And then, right on schedule, things got weird. You see, as we were talking, Adam picked up Brinkley and set him on his lap. He then proceeded to force the dog to lay there while he stroked his back. While all this was going on, I tried making conversation by asking him some pretty generic questions. Before answering, he would pause.. slowly pet Brinkley and stare at me. When I say stare, I mean gaze back and forth between me and the dog with a creepy smile on his face. And he did that after each thing I said…I waited uncomfortably for him to respond..wondering if I needed to rephrase the question or if maybe he hadn’t heard me. Finally, after at least 15-20 seconds he would answer. Honestly I was starting to wonder if he had some kind of processing issue, but it was the weird smile and dog-petting that really did it for me. He made me picture those old Inspector Gadget episodes where Dr. Claw sits at his computer terminal with M.A.D. cat on his lap and monitors his various schemes. I kept expecting him to slam his fist down on the table going “I’ll get you next time Gadget!! NEXT TIME!!!”

drclaw

“Er, well…I should probably go. Lots to do today!” I told Adam, starting to gather up my things.

More staring and smiling….

“Ok…well…have a good day.”

I walked away with Lily, shaking my head at the sheer ridiculousness of what had just happened.

_The Hot Mess_

Meet Tyler. Cute blonde surfer boy who lived down in the Outerbanks of North Carolina and owned a restaurant. I was really excited about this one as the Outerbanks are one of my favorite vacation spots. It’s a fun beach community off the coast of North Carolina and I have been going there with family and friends ever since I was a baby. (For those of you familiar with the author Nicholas Sparks..I mention him in a previous post..most of his novels are set down there)outerbanks

Tyler was in Richmond visiting some friends, so we decided to go to a great local spot called Millie’s for brunch. There were a few things that made this date not quite ideal.

1. Tyler showed up an hour late. He was staying at the Omni hotel downtown…maybe 2 miles from where Millie’s was. Strike one.
2. When he finally did show up, I was sitting on a bench in front of the restaurant drinking a mimosa. There was a woman sitting with me on the bench and she had left a little bubble of personal space in between us. Tyler walked right up and squeezed himself in that small space, positioning him uncomfortably close to my face. It was my first time meeting this guy and having to carry on a conversation with him when he was literally inches from me was super awkward. I kept trying to scooch back away from him and was super relieved when the hostess called my name to say our table was ready.
3. Tyler was dressed like a 13 year old boy. Ratty old t-shirt, jeans and sneakers. He looked like he had just woken up and perhaps had even slept in the same outfit. Don’t get me wrong here. I like to keep it casual on occasion, but when I know I’m going on a first date with someone, I always try to look put together. He, on the other hand, looked like a hot mess.
4. Conversation was almost non-existant. I tried asking him things and he would respond with an answer that was only a few words. Let’s just say it was exhausting to keep trying to come up with things to talk about.
5. And the big finale! While he was eating, Tyler kept getting food all over his face. I wanted to tell him he had a piece of egg at the corner of his mouth but couldn’t figure out a way to do it without embarassing him. He left to go to the bathroom and when he came back, he had two long streaks of blood across his cheek. I don’t know what happened during his trip to or from the bathroom. Perhaps he was attacked by a puma..or got into a bar fight. I have no earthly idea, but that was the last straw for me. We finished up brunch and as he hugged me goodbye, I cringed and tried not to get too close.

Those two dates made me feel like I was just banging my head against a brick wall with this whole dating thing. Match.com and EHarmony commercials sure do make it look easy to find someone who is cool and semi-normal and at least mildly attractive. They’re all “Hey! Look at how much fun these two people are having at their sushi-making date. Look at their instant chemistry and connection as they sip wine by candlelight at some trendy restaurant! You too can have all this for the low low price of $40/month!”

But seriously, as jaded as I sound, I know that all of these frogs are just bringing me closer to the person I want to be with. Whether it happens through a dating site or by happy accident, my prince will come one day. I just have to be willing to put up smooching a few more of my amphibian friends. I figure it’s worth it.

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