And You Miss, Are No Lady

I think all of us, at one point or another, have had that moment in a date where we know that we have absolutely no intention of going out with that person again. It’s an awkward feeling, especially when it comes in the very beginning of a date. Studies have shown that we make this decision within the first 20 minutes and in my experience, sometimes it only takes a split-second. Like the time I went on a date with a guy who told me he was 5’10” and when I showed up to meet him at the restaurant, I walked right past him. Strangely enough, I didn’t even recognize him…oh I don’t know..maybe it was because he was all of 5’2″. I mean seriously, the man came up to my chest. The “nice to meet you” hug was super uncomfortable to say the least.Eyes up here It blew my mind that he had lied about something so very obvious. I found myself hunching over on my bar stool and mentally calculating how many minutes it would take him to finish his cranberry and vodka (and yes..he actually ordered that) all while he droned on and on about how many expensive things (Louis Vuitton..blah blah blah…Chanel…blah blah blah..Dior..uh name drop much?) he used to buy his ex-girlfriend. I honestly didn’t give a flying fart in space about the size of his wallet.. I was however, dying to ask him if he shopped at GapKids. I withheld my snarky comment, but when he suggested I come back to his hotel room (ie. Munchkin Land) for another drink (he was in town for business) I actually snorted with laughter..disguising it as me choking on my drink.

Cough..cough…hmmm..let me think..I’m going to go with an emphatic no on that one, but thanks for the offer…

Don’t get me wrong. I love short people. Some of my favorite people in the world are short! My beautiful mom for example, (who likes to refer to herself as “vertically challenged”), my spunky friend Casie, my completely adorable and squeezable 3-month-old baby niece. Here’s the thing though, while it might be awesome for a guy’s eyes to line up directly with my chest..it is not so awesome for me. I don’t want to date you short men of the world. Please accept my sincere and heartfelt apologies. We are just not meant to be. Now, where was I? Oh yes!

When dating, us females come up with epic checklists of things we are looking for in a man that will make us want to go out with them again. It starts out looking a little something like this. man listThough as we get more desperate..it turns into something like thischecklist ok..maybe I’m over-exaggerating a tiny bit πŸ˜‰

While mentally ticking off my own liittle boxes, I often wondered what was going on in the mind of my date. It is hard sometimes to know what men are looking for. We women sometimes like to overcomplicate things and come up with thousands of reasons why a guy may or may not have called us back for that second date. In reality, I think that men are a lot more simple than we give them credit for. It seems to me that there is a pretty finite list of things that men are paying attention to when on a date. Now obviously there are exceptions to this rule and I shouldn’t lump all men together, but just for fun (and the sake of my point)..I thought I would anyway. When a guy first meets his date..I feel as though these could be three potential thoughts that pop up in his head.

1. Is she attractive? (I don’t care what people say about it being what’s inside that counts…the first time a guy..or gal..let’s be honest..lays their eyes on the other person, they immediately assess the situation and decide “Do I want to go there?” and you know what magical land I’m talking about here people…MAKE OUT LAND. (that’s the PG 13 version). If the answer is yes..let the date begin! If the answer is no then sorry friend…do NOT pass go..do NOT collect $200..or in this case, a second date.

2. Am I bored yet? Weird and awkward silences where no one is saying anything for minutes at a time are no fun for anyone. Men like to be stimulated..mentally and physically. If a woman can’t come up with anything to say and isn’t smiling or even flirting a little, they are rapidly going to lose interest..hell..they might even start checking out that giggly girl at the table behind you that keeps flipping her hair like an idiot. Hey, at least she seems like she’s having a good time.

3. Is she crazy/annoying/rude? (<–pick one..or hell..pick them all) Did she complain about her day, the server, her split-ends? Did she talk about her beanie baby collection and how her cat is her best friend? Did she act grateful for the fact that he paid for dinner and was there a thank you at the end of the night? Here's the thing, for the most part, guys really don't like drama..they don't like complications or things that are messy. It freaks them out. While some guys can do the high-maintenance/smokin' hot bitchy chick..it's hard to keep that magical romance going for very long and those relationships lack some serious substance.

But really, let’s be honest with each other here…as long as #1 is a check mark…everything that comes after that doesn’t really matter to more men than I’d like to guess.

Another thought for today’s post: I thought it only fair that since I had written about how men could be more gentlemanly, I’d write about some things us females should be doing in order to be classified as ladies. Turns out this was a harder assignment than I thought, but with a little help from friends and family..this is what we came up with.

So girls…listen up. You want to score that second date? It’s time to straighten up and start acting like a LADY. Hey…Miley…stick that tongue back in your mouth and pay attention!
miley tongue

A LADY:

1. NEVER GIVES AWAY ALL HER SECRETS – My friend Casie put it to me this way…just like you don’t hang your lingerie out on the clothesline for the whole neighborhood to see, it’s best not to expose all your private parts of yourself (ahem…metaphorically speaking…ok..and literally, but we will get there in a minute) before the appetizer has even shown up. Women are sexier and way cooler when they hold a little bit back..it makes it all the more fun for their guy to explore later.

2. FOLLOWS THE HALF RULE – This is what I’ve decided to call it, but you know what I’m talking about right..pick which half of your body to accentuate and which to cover up. Example? So glad you asked! If you are going to show the girls off..then keep the legs under wraps…Katy Perry rocked this rule at the 2013 Grammys..not that you will ever wear a skin-tight mint Gucci gown on a date. cleavageBut really, please don’t.

Conversely…if you show off those sexy stems, keep the cleavage to a minimum.legs Good job Stacy Keibler!
There are a few exceptions to this rule – Bachelorette parties and Halloween pretty much cover it. πŸ˜‰

3. CARES ABOUT MORE THAN JUST HERSELF – Nobody likes the girl who always somehow finds a way to steer the conversation back to being about her. Men like to know that you actually care about getting to know them. It really pumps them up that you think their 90’s movie collection is pretty sweet, or that you find it adorable they were named for their Great Uncle Ryland. Generally, I think this is applicable to everyone we come in contact with. Male or female. So cut that out, Self-Absorbed Sally and start thinking about someone else for a change. Going along with that, why not volunteer at the local animal shelter or nursing home? Nothing is sexier than a girl who wants to give back to her community.

4. NEVER GETS SLOPPY IN PUBLIC – A real lady does NOT climb up onto the bar and try to recreate the scene from Coyote Ugly while slamming tequila shots. She knows her limits and waits until she is in the safety and privacy of her own house to do that..duh (and yes the kitchen island works as a bartop) πŸ˜‰

coyoteugly

5. HAS CONFIDENCE AND REFUSES TO BE A PUSHOVER – Confidence is sexy my friends. Make eye contact with your date while you all are chatting it up. Feeling the chemistry? Why not touch him on the arm or hand to punctuate a point? This let’s him know you are interested and not afraid to make a move. Also, you have to value yourself enough not to put up with anyone else’s bullshit. Your date being rude? Let him know (in a classy way) and strut your sexy self out that door and onto the next date.

6. IS GRACIOUS – Say thank you…and mean it. No matter how awful or awesome it was, you must MUST! always be grateful for the time and money they gave up to get to know you better. Be polite to people you come in contact with on your date (and in life). Once on a date, I offered to take a couple’s picture for them when I saw them struggling to do it on their own. My own date waited and watched as I did this minor kindness and told me later how impressed he was that I would offer to do something for a complete stranger. Needless to say, I got a second date…and third..remember Mark?

7. IS POSITIVE – Sure, it’s great to be able to vent about work, or school or your obnoxious neighbor who blasts Queen at 3AM on a Tuesday. Save it for your best friends at happy hour the next day. When all a man hears are complaints and negativity spewing from your mouth, it doesn’t make him feel warm and fuzzy. In fact, it’s a huge turn off. Build people up instead of tearing them down. Be happy. Talk about things that make you happy…things you are passionate about. Sure teaching can be rough sometimes, but more than one guy has told me that watching me talk about something I love was a huge turn on for them and made them like me even more. Smiling is attractive and gets you second dates. πŸ˜‰

8. LEARNS FROM HER MISTAKES – Look, we’re all human. Sometimes we fail at things…whether they are relationships or that epic lesson on poetic elements that you really thought would WOW your students (er…epic fail). If you can learn from the crashes and burns, it makes you better. Men like that. Trust me…it’s ok to admit you failed at something (try not to go into too much detail..see rules #1 and #7), but spin it so that you are showing how you grew from the experience.

9. MAKES HIM WAIT – You know what I’m talking about here people. I think sometimes we can get excited about the explosive chemistry we have with our dates and forget to be patient. I’ve polled several men and they all told me that if a girl slept with them on the first date, they probably wouldn’t be able to take her very seriously and might not even go out with her again. Now I’m not telling you how long to wait..I think you will know what’s right for you whether it’s two weeks, two years or hell..even until your wedding night! The point is, it’s ok to take some time. A very wise and spicy grandma once told me that you shouldn’t give ever give a man the whole pie. If you want to keep him around, you must give it to him one slice at a time.

10. ALWAYS STRIVES TO BE BETTER – What a great topic of conversation for your date! It’s important to have goals that you are working toward, things you want to try, places you want to go…that thirst to try to continue growing into the very best version of yourself is so attractive. I once told a date about this amazing website I had just discovered called Day Zero Project. (you should totally check it out) It’s kind of like a bucket list, but you choose 101 Things, big or small, that you want to accomplish in 1001 Days. Incredible right? This easily captured my date’s attention and piqued his interest in me as a person.

Well friends…I think that about wraps it up! Any rules you’d like to add to my How To Be A Lady List?

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3 thoughts on “And You Miss, Are No Lady

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