The Green-Eyed Monster….

drinking wineYou know that point you get to, when your mouth is saying “congratulations,” but your heart is saying “F*&^ this S*&^?” (Side note: my heart has a filthy mouth)

For me, this moment comes every once in a blue moon and is more than a little emotionally crippling. Let me preface this by saying in all capital letters, I LOVE MY LIFE. I love it. It is awesome. I have great friends and family, a career that I am proud of and am mostly content with. I have a new business where I get to create beautiful things for people. I have a cute house with pretty furniture, a full fridge and a warm bed filled with cute animals to cuddle with. Best of all, I have a wonderful man who loves me and appreciates me and balances me out like no one I have ever been with before.

All that being said, this week has sucked royally. I have had no less than 6 pregnancy announcements and four engagements. Yay..hooray..

bridesmaids

And the truth is, I really am excited for those lovely people…I just want to NOT feel like I am a thousand light years behind everyone else. To put this into perspective for you, the little boy I once babysat just closed on his first house this week. A HOUSE for the love of all that is good and holy in this world!!! At 29 years old (30 in 4 months) I’ve been renting my cute little bachelorette cottage for the last 6 years with absolutely no idea of when I will EVER be able to buy a house. 😦 Oh I don’t know…maybe when Josh and I are finally able to move in together and actually start saving some money..It’s so unbelievably frustrating to feel like this much of a loser sometimes. I don’t want to have to smile and nod and make agreeable noises when people try and tell me any of the following:

1. “it will happen when the time is right”

2.  “you should be enjoying this time right now!”

3. “everyone goes at their own pace”

4. “don’t compare yourself to anyone else”

Thank you well-meaning people. Truly, I know in my head you are absolutely right and sincere in your advice. And the thing is, most of the time, I can think RATIONALLY and agree with you. It just so happens, that occasionally (ok.once a month..along with the intense desire for a huge brownie) I throw all reason out the window and just have a major girly freak-out moment. I’ve talked about Facebook Envy before and how completely useless it is..but somehow, I see those glittering engagement rings plastered all over Facebook, the black and white ultrasound pictures with a completely adorable blobs of tiny humans and I lose my damn mind. I want a pretty engagement ring on my finger. I want a tiny human that kind of looks like me and says cute tiny human things. I want to be able to say the words, “my husband” when introducing Josh at a party. Somehow, at almost 30, saying “my boyfriend,” feels as silly as if I were an 80-year-old lady introducing someone to the cute elderly gentleman I’m “going steady” with in the nursing home. It is possible that we can get to an age where we outgrow these types of relationship titles?
cuteoldcouple

Anyway, when the moment (ahem…sometimes more like DAY) passes and I come out of this temporary jealously-induced meltdown, I remember that things really are awesome..and even more, that they could be wayyyyy worse. I could still be stranded on Single Girl Island and even worse, I could be still stuck in Relationship Hell with the ex. All in all, this whiny girl has a lot to be grateful for.

Damn-self-youve-got-nice-eyes

These meltdowns are frustrating to say the least. And really, I’m not sure where these feelings come from. My ovaries maybe? Am I freaking out that in t-minus four months, I will be turning the dreaded 3-0? This might be getting a tad bit personal with you, what else is new, but a few years ago I found out I have these tumors called fibroids. It was a little bit of a shock since none of my other doctors had ever noticed them (thanks a lot a-holes) and I was only 26 when I found out. These crazy buggers usually don’t show up until your 40’s or 50’s..so what the hell??

The Mayo Clinic defines them as “noncancerous growths of the uterus that often appear during childbearing years.”

They go on to say that “Although uterine fibroids usually aren’t dangerous, they can cause discomfort and may lead to complications such as anemia from heavy blood loss. Fibroids usually don’t interfere with conception and pregnancy. However, it’s possible that fibroids could cause infertility or pregnancy loss. Submucosal fibroids may prevent implantation and growth of an embryo. In such cases, doctors often recommend removing these fibroids before attempting pregnancy or if you’ve had multiple miscarriages. Rarely, fibroids can distort or block your fallopian tubes, or interfere with the passage of sperm from your cervix to your fallopian tubes.”

This is the least gross picture I could find to show you what they look like.

Fibroid-anatomy

So they can be in three different locations…lucky me, I’ve hit the Fibroid Lottery and have them everywhere! They are basically filling up my entire uterus, with the largest ones measuring about the size of a golf ball. The last time I was at my doctor, she put it to me bluntly. “So, here’s the deal, you should probably think about making babies pretty soon because the longer you wait, the tougher it could be for you to get pregnant and carry the baby to full term.” Holy cow, this lady just lays it all out there! That’s why I love her, but oh man..cue instant panic attack in the parking lot after.

So really, I don’t mind waiting a little bit to get married and start a family. There are some wonderful things I would love to experience before that happens, but the thing is…I have this totally inescapable fear that the longer I wait, the less chance I will have of being able to be a mom. I don’t like having what feels like a ticking time bomb inside of my body and no one needs that kind of pressure on a relationship.

ticking-time-bomb

So here I am…trying to be content and live in the moment and not compare my relationship/life to others around me..but really, I guess the lesson I have learned from all of this is that is it completely normal to feel this way. I’m sure everyone has these moments at points in their lives for one reason or another..I mean, we’re humans..envy just goes with the territory. As long as I snap myself back to reality after a few glasses of wine and a big ol’ brownie, no harm done. At the heart of it, my relationship is going great..even better than I could have hoped for..and if I have to wait for this wonderful man, I will..He is worth every second.

me and justin

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