Oh hey! Remember me? It’s been a while friends and I’m sorry I left you quite abruptly and then went all radio silent on you. I had a lesson to learn and truthfully wasn’t even sure if I’d be back. But here’s the thing, too often I have been finding myself silently composing the next blog post in my head on the way home from work, in the checkout line in the grocery store, in bed at night when I’m trying to fall asleep…I feel like it’s the Universe whispering “write, write, write.” Ok Universe..I’m listening.
And now the lesson:
So here’s the thing. I started this blog as a way to find a healthy place for all of my feelings post dramatic-ending of my engagement. I was in a super dark place, felt lost and jumbled up and like I had no direction. It was as if my life were this elaborate drawing on an Etch-A-Sketch screen and then, without any warning, someone came along and shook it up. The lines and pictures disappeared and all I was left with was this giant empty screen. Writing has always been a passion of mine and I quickly came to realize, the simple act of putting words on a page helped me to untangle some of the mess that was going on inside of me. Sometimes these words were pulled out, sometimes they flowed faster than my fingers could even keep up with..but they always came. And I always felt a precious moment of relief afterward.
Now in this blog I have shared with you all, some… friends and family, others…perfect strangers oceans away, all of my inner thoughts and feelings, my personal and private moments. I am quite literally an open book. I have learned this about myself. I am a sharer. I don’t mind being open with people. I wish sometimes, that I knew how to be more private and I’m sure there were moments when I shared when I shouldn’t have. But I’m a human. I make mistakes. I try my best to learn from them and not make them again. Here was a mistake I made. When I first started my blog, I asked my friends and family if it was ok to mention them in it sometimes. They all said yes. No prob. Later on, when Josh came into the picture (and stayed), I felt nervous about writing about him. I told him about the blog..ran some topics by him and even offered to let him read it. Josh is a supremely private person and I didn’t want to do anything that might make him upset or jeopardize our budding relationship. Each time I asked, he told me he was good with it. So off I went! Writing my little tail off, healing my heart and learning lessons with each experience.
And then I hurt someone. Someone very very special to me. I wrote about a friend who had recently gone through a break-up with her boyfriend. I tried to offer advice, to share a lesson, to find something in that break-up that would be worthwhile and positive. In doing this, I laid her hurt bare. I outlined it, highlighted this man’s failings, put in bold the fact that she was OK being by herself. It is so hard sometimes seeing a relationship’s failure from someone else’s eyes. Seeing it on a screen. Knowing that other people have read about your hurt. For me, this was a positive thing. For her, it was a betrayal and an added pain in a heart that was already broken. And the worst part? The whole time, I had no idea the mistake I had made.
When she finally let me know how hurt she was by that post, I was devastated. I was so surprised that it had caused her one second of pain and I felt the kind of guilt that digs deep and lingers long after you’ve been forgiven. She was the person I went to when I couldn’t go to anyone else. The idea that I had potentially betrayed her trust..even unintentionally..was heartbreaking. We had a long, long talk after yoga class and a beer (our yoga is at a brewery..it’s basically heaven) and she forgave me. I took down the post that night and promised I’d never ever put her in that situation again.
And I stopped writing. I was terrified. Terrified that I would hurt someone else. Terrified that I wouldn’t know what to write about. Terrified that no one would care that I ever stopped.
But here’s the thing about fear. It holds you back…chokes you…takes away your power…and if I have learned ANYTHING in the last three years writing this blog, it to never let anything or anyone keep me from what I want and what makes me happy..and THAT is a POWERFUL thing. I have my lessons tucked away carefully, so I can pull them out and remind myself when I need them, but I’m going to MOVE FORWARD..keep adding to those lessons and do something that makes my heart happy. I’m going to write.
Here’s the link to the super fantastic brewery that I go to for yoga and beers.Hardywood Craft Brewery – Richmond VA
and my incredible yoga teacher Jessica – Best Yoga Teacher EVER